The Good Medicine Family Reunion is part hippie camp, part family camp, and being given a small jar of psychedelics somehow felt natural. There’s a well known plant guy in our area; he’s a playful, gentle giant and I met him in a wood-fired sauna, topless. He was playing a concertina and singing a song about gratitude. We stepped out of the sauna around the same time to plunge into an alpine fed pond and started chatting about plant medicine. I told him about my coaching practice, focused on plant medicine integration, and he told me about his plant farm and ceremony guild. He grows the plants, processes it into a proprietary blend, and is currently experimenting with plants as allies via micro-dosing; the theory is that 30 days of ally-ship via micro-dosing is equivalent to a full journey. The moment I held the jar, a quiet pulse thrummed through my hands. He gifted it to me, asking only that I’d share how it went. What he didn’t say is that this particular medicine is its own kind of truth serum; if you're willing, it reveals all the ugly things about yourself that you’d prefer to be left tucked in the corner under that old blanket. Ok plant medicine allies.. unfurl the storm..

I’m currently on day 3 of my collaborative micro-dose journey. I haven’t ugly cried yet… but it’s only 3pm. 

But, let’s rewind to day 1. I spent several hours refining my intention, choosing a proper ceremonial format, and reaching out to the over-lighting entity or entities of the plant medicine. What I perceived was not a single being but an ensemble—a kind of spiritual pit crew—each one tending to an aspect of this medicine’s presence and work.

I want to live life from the inside out, in collaboration with the deep wisdom and love of my soul, my pit crew, and a myriad of other subtle beings assigned to my well being in this incarnation. I grew up in conservative Christianity, exiting around age 35- a slow, years-long process of questioning and vacillating between the familiar patterns of the faith I knew and the uncharted waters of my own selfhood. Eventually I chose self-hood; but, it’s been a difficult journey. Plant medicines, including psilocybin, ayahuasca, and kambo, have been key pieces of untangling the tightly woven knots of belief and unraveling the old conditioning. 

The version of Christianity that I journeyed through taught me that I’m bad from the inside out and that anything good comes from somewhere outside of myself. Intuition couldn’t be trusted; self-knowledge was dangerous and mis-guided; body awareness is suspect at best and evil at worst. And the idea of re-incarnation? Straight from the devil. 

Even after years of inner work—somatics, plant medicines, therapy, energetics, art, breath work, movement—old patterns still surface unexpectedly. Living life from the inside-out means feeling safe, confident, and present within myself. It’s like I’m a boulder in a river, and life can flow around me, but I remain steady and sovereign. It means dancing through life allowing my sense of purpose to flow from a joyful sense of authentic self and from what my heart and soul wants to offer the world; it’s creative fun and expression; it’s embracing stillness and playfulness; it’s magic, ease, flow and synchronicity as everyday ways of being; it’s claiming abundance as my birthright; it’s getting to the end of a day not exhausted, knowing I’ve spent my time well, and left some part of the world a better place as a result of the days activities. 

I also want to have vibrant, optimally working hormones- regular periods and all that. 

And the gentle giants plant blend is rising to the challenge. 

Day 1 A challenging conversation with my partner, led to ugly tears, and some painful but necessary self reflection. My soul and higher self encouraged me to let go of heavy, hard and bitter to embrace soft, sweet and harmonious. I was gently pushed to embrace a state of eternal constancy and a deep place of inner stillness and harmony. Easy? No, far from it. But these are choices I can make; I can choose to re-direct stuck energy to forward momentum. I can choose love, joy and healthy interdependence.

Day 2 I repeated the ritual of speaking my intention, contacting the ensemble of entities, and with gratitude ingested the medicine. And much of the day I was a dis-regulated mess. I spent part of the day angry- at myself, at my partner, at the world. Thankfully he was at work and avoided the toxic onslaught that I was tempted to throw his way. I let myself feel the feelings, but it was pretty unpleasant. Around 4pm I did some deep meditation and released it all, so when Thomas get home I was relatively calm. Or so I thought. 

We had a good evening together, but I ended up ugly crying just before bedtime. We had one of those necessary but challenging conversations where you continue doing the work as you sleep. I’m honestly not sure if our partnership will survive this month; in fact, I think this iteration of it needs to die. Does that mean the whole thing needs to die? I’ve so often abandoned my sovereignty, giving away my power and compromising my integrity. Instead of being the steady boulder in the river, I’ve been the branch that gets swept downriver rotting away. No partnership can thrive when one person lives outside their own integrity.

That same day, I realized a previous sexual partner was still exerting energetic influence over me. I did a guided meditation to release those ties, and shield from further interference, while at the same time recognizing that true protection is both intrinsic and extrinsic. Energetic shielding matters—but so does shining so brightly with light and love that anything unaligned simply cannot remain.

Day 3 In my journaling this morning I was confronted with an ugly truth about myself, again tied to living life from the inside out. It’s absolutely affected my partnership, so I met him for lunch and we talked about it. He responded with love and kindness, and I’m deeply grateful.

This is truth serum; this is collaborative plant medicine. It’s far more disruptive than I expected—but I’m thankful for the mirror I cannot look away from. Because on the other side I’ll be a more whole, better human being. I’ll be a better partner and mom. Someone who engages with people, subtle beings and Sidhe from a grounded, joyful, sovereign place.

I’ll live my souls path with playfulness and light.

I’ll be the boulder in the river. 

Healing rarely feels like healing while it’s happening. It feels jarring and disruptive. But beneath all of it, something steady and luminous is waiting. This journey with cactus allies isn’t just about micro-dosing—it’s about reclaiming the inner ground I once believed was unworthy of trust. As these thirty days unfold, my intention is simple: may I keep choosing softness over hardness, sovereignty over self-abandonment, and love over fear. May I finally come home to myself, from the inside out.